im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
