ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Randomize
