I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
