1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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