I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
i've created a new STD.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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