I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
