Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize