If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
