So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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