I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Randomize