he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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