I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
