'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
You can't special order awesome
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
