I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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