My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize