Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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