Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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