I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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