turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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