You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
