I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
