Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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