I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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