I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
