the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
