I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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