i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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