i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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