I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
