"it" just moved
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I cut my penus on the lid.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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