I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
