apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
