i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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