Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
