ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
