I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
