if only i could text you this smell
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
