turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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