Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
