It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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