Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
