I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
