My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
