I wanna bring you to show and tell
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
