i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
