I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
