Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
