I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
