She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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