I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
