i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
as a side note pls kill me
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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