I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
why do cheetos always look like penises
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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