There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
