I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
