omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
