Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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