drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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