does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize