Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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