I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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