To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize