He asked to "fluff my boner.."
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
