My cat gives me a boner
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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